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Shadows of the Past come to Haunt me.

Everyone in the Northern Tradition Blogosphere has been talking about what went down in Kansas.  I figure I would put my two cents in, even though it’s probably not needed, or wanted.

As I read the news about what that old man did.  That bitter, angry, hateful old man.  The old man who couldn’t let old hatred die, the old man who probably had nothing left, except the hate that fueled him through his twilight years. I could have wound up like him.

I used to run with the white supremacy movement. I used to believe all that tripe.  I used to even do the Odinist thing. I shudder to remember the memories I have of that awful time.  The pain I caused other humans, and to my Gods alike.  They turned Their backs on me, justifiably.

There is no excuse for what that man did.  I have no words, to be honest, just anger.  I try to get away from that aspect of my past, and it comes up and thwacks me upside the head in ugly ways.  I’m ANGRY how the white racist movement has appropriated the old ways of Europe.  The Celtic, Norse, Fino-Ugric religions…all have been appropriated by the racists.

Why you might ask?  I’ll give you insight.  It has to do with ancestors.  They want to be closer to the “pure” religion of their “White Ancestors”  (note the sarcasm quotes)  The real extreme ones, even view Christianity as a traitorous religion, and have contempt for the KKK and the World Church of the Creator.   They want to preserve “White Culture”.  They think they are “under attack” from multiculturalism.

Boy are they in for a shock when they learn that Vikings were prolific traders throughout history!  They traded as far as China, probably down into Africa!  They embraced other cultures and traditions!  Vikings weren’t as xenophobic as they think they were.

Sure Odin is a God of battle and glory that is for certain, one of His faces is that of Death.  He is also the God of wisdom, poetry and exploration.  His ways are traveling around the nine realms, to learn from the inhabitants.   My shame is, I bought into the party line.  I betrayed Him and His kin. They forgave me. I guess my deeds and heart changed and They took me back.  I’m never going to violate Their trust in me ever again.  It’s sacred.  It’s deep.  

You’re probably wondering what got me to change.  I got pregnant with my daughter.  That’s pretty much it.  I realized when I was pregnant with her, that there was way more to life than who follows what religion and the amount of melanin in someone’s skin.  I was foolish, stupid and ignorant.  I didn’t want to raise my child in an environment of hate.  I turned my back on the evil and moved forward.  

I’m still very remorseful for how I was.  Stuff like this brings the whole guilt back up to the surface and I spend the day in deep meditation in front of my altars, mostly apologizing profusely to the Gods for my tomfuckery when I was young and stupid.  I don’t know how much self flagellation Odin will put up with from me on this issue, I think He’ll give me the cease and desist eventually, or already has and I’m too dense to see.

This is a rambling blog so yeah deal with it, my blog I can ramble on if I want to,  this whole racist shtick kinda hits hard and I need to get it out to process this because it really does affect me deeply.

It’s because of my past involvement, that I’m pretty leery about getting a valknut tattooed on me, Odin wants me to, I want to.  Thing is,  it’s still recognized as a hate symbol thanks to fucktards like the old coot in the news story.  

I’m glad that as a community, we are no longer remaining silent.  We need to fight this stigma tooth and nail.  I might not be the best person to help with that fight, because of my past, but damnit I’ll stand behind people who are more suited for the task and give as much insight and intel that I can.

It’s a shame that the old man is probably too old and set in his ways to change,  pretty obvious since he took it to a level most white supremists dream of.  

Oh and about the asshats who like to wear Odin’s mark:

All that I know is, Odin can tell the difference between who a real adherent to His ways are and some punk ass fucktard coward wearing a Valknut to be cool. When that fucktard dies, the Valkyries will pass them over and not even Hel will receive them.

They will be cursed to wander in the Twilight, providing never ending practice for the Hunt.

So as a Heathen community, we are holding a fundraiser to help the families of those who have been slain in this heinous act of hate.  We want to hold our hand out to the Jewish community and show that we aren’t hateful bigots. Please, if you can, donate, it will mean a lot to those families.

A fitting passage from the Havamal if you ask me:

A coward believes he will ever live 
if he keep him safe from strife: 
but old age leaves him not long in peace 
though spears may spare his life.

Right in the Feelz

I mentioned in a previous post (The Paula Deen one actually) that I have a pretty bad history.  That I used to be involved in the whole white supremacy movement and all that shit.  (I use the word shit because that’s exactly what it was and is.  Shit.)  

Well, one of my facebook friends posted something about how ze watched a docu about the Aryan Brotherhood on Netflix and how ze was pretty heartbroken over how they use the Valknut, and other Old Norse symbolism for their tattoos, and how Odin seriously doesn’t care about skin colour and whatnot.  


Right there,  feelz flooded over me when I read that post.  All I could comment was, an acknowledgement that zir UPG was correct.  I then had a flood of thoughts go through my head…UPG alert time

1: Odin can tell the falsely marked.  No amount of ink can hide the cowardly heart of a neo-nazi from His gaze.  They will be sorely surprised when they die and the Valkyrie passes them over, and Nidhogg starts gnawing on their bones. 

2: True courage is loving everyone and defending the weak, despite the differences in skin, belief, or creed. 

I was pretty much a blubbering mess for a good part of an hour because of this.  Thing is, He walked away from me once because of this.  Loki kept His distance and pretty much did a Hail Mary gamble to get me out (it worked btw) but Odin, and the rest, as much as it hurt Them, turned their backs on me.  Walked away.  They have no time for that kind of shit. 

So, I sat down and had a talk with The Old Man.  He explained that the wash of Feelz, was Him, His hurt when He had to turn away, and His forgiveness, because I changed and grew the fuck up.  I hurt Him deeply, when I did what I did, and followed that line of hateful thinking.  I hurt all of Them deeply,  yes, even Loki.  He just had His Reasons for sticking it out and watching the trainwreck.

I didn’t even have to ask for it.  Odin just, forgave me.  Because They walked away from me once, has driven it home that They can do it again if I royally Fuck Up.  I doubt I will actually Fuck Up that badly again since I really don’t believe that party line anymore. But one never knows.  I know damn well that I plan on doing my best by Them.  I have been so far, with a few flails and hiccups along the way, but who doesn’t flail and hiccup along the way when it comes to this stuff?  


An Open Letter to Mrs. Paula Deen

Note:  I really doubt she’ll actually read this herself, but I have to get it out there.  By the way, this is my blog, and I have comments moderated, if you’re gonna spread haterade about me or Mrs. Dean, your comments will not be published.  *momstare*


Dear Mrs. Deen.

I have seen the controversy surrounding what you have said over 30 years ago.  I am pretty angry that they are crucifying you for something that should very well be dead and buried in the past.  I find it funny that people who live in glass houses are throwing stones the way that they are.

I’ll tell  you something.  I believe full on that you never were racist.  Me on the other hand…This is going to be difficult.  Even if you WERE racist, and were raised that way in the deep pre-civil rights era South, it is possible for people to change.  I know it, because *I* changed.

I used to run with the Neo-nazis.  That’s when the Gods that I followed, turned their backs on me, except one.  I don’t follow the Christian God that you do, Mrs. Deen, but, you’re a gracious enough lady to understand that it’s not what church we go to, that makes us.  You said that yourself on the interview you did on The Today Show. (  

Of course this isn’t a faith contest.  I’m a cook.  I LOVE to cook.  You were one of my inspirations when I was little!  Little Canadian Me, sitting and watching all these wonderful Southern dishes coming out of your was lovely!  Along with Julia Child, and James Barber, YOU were one of my inspirations, the one who ignited the love of cooking, in that young girl.  You taught me all about Comfort Food, how to make fried chicken, hoe cakes, grits, and collards.  I wouldn’t have known what Okra was, let alone how to cook it properly! (Don’t forget to deslime it, people!!!)

Anyway, when I was a young woman in my early 20’s I had some really bad things happen to me.  I was so full of hate and anger, and rage, that I had to direct it at SOMETHING, SOMEONE…so, I started dating this skinhead boy.  I started falling into that lifestyle of rage and hate…full on.  It wasn’t a good time in my life.  I really don’t want to get into details, they aren’t important. 

Well, what changed me, and trust me, it is possible for people to change out of the racist mindset!  I know you were never racist, but ‘mam,  but if you used to be, I would be a total hypocrite to not extend you grace, because *I* was.  *I* changed, because I fell pregnant with my daughter.  I realized that there was more to life than hatred, bigotry and race.  I did not want to raise my child in that lifestyle or environment, so *I* changed. I know if I didn’t fall pregnant I probably would be dead by now, or in prison, either or.

So whoever is reading this right now, be it some person from the blogosphere, or, even Mrs Deen herself, IT IS POSSIBLE TO CHANGE.  Racist people are able to change if they want to, I’m proof.   Leave the past in the past.  That’s where it belongs.  Mrs. Deen needs to be allowed to re-bury her skeletons.  We ALL have skeletons in our closets. 

Sincerely: Me

Remember, NO One is innocent.  Not you, not I, everyone has dirt.  Everyone has that dustbunny in the corner of their soul needing to be swept up and exposed.

The only way to clear these is to shed light on them.  Darkness and secrecy are self perpetuating.  Honesty and light, kill these things.  Mrs. Deen has BEEN honest, she opened her closet and said “Yes I have skeletons, who doesn’t?”, and just because she’s FAMOUS, does not give you the right to judge her over her skeletons.  She is human, like you and I.  

You know, when Rev Jackson and Mr Sharpton step up to tell people to back off of Mrs. Deen, you KNOW what she did wasn’t that offensive.  Get over it.